the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.