she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.