I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
