did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
