Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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