just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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