bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
