Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
