Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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