Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..