normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.