I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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