I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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