I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
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Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
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I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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