You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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