I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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