Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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