I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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