She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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