Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
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The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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