This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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