Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
