How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
