You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Four minutes until I can fart!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
