You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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