just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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