Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
