Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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