I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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