I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
why is half of my head shaved?
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