I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
