Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
