There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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