Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
