My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
