My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
