I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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