and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
