I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
