How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Randomize
