Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
