it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
