i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
