I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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