There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
