i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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