Can i not drive my cunt home
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
