There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
