Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
