You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
