I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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