dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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