wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
