dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
