I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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