what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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