I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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