I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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