my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
