i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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