Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
