At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
